I used to watch a lot of soccer but I got away from it. Over the past several months I’ve had two periods of time were I watched a good deal of international soccer, or as everyone outside of America calls it football. During a trip to Bermuda one of the primary bars we hung out at had soccer 24/7 and most recently the world cup. I should back up. I’ve played soccer. I like soccer. I think soccer can be a great game but it has certain structural deficiencies.
But after this recent world cup I’m wondering how I ever liked soccer.
My biggest complaint about soccer is how often players are allowed to take a dive. This is not encouraged but happens in US play, however, in international play they raise it to high art. It is absolutely pathetic. Two guys running down the field playing for the ball. Guy one loses possession and then throws his hands up and begins flailing to the ground. We then have the international symbol for a soccer injury he grabs his shin except his shin was never touched. Rolling back and forth on the ground the ref calls forth four stout lads with “DOC” on their light blue pinnies who come running out to carry the stricken player off the field. At this point the player is holding his head as though it may explode, no longer his shin. At brief intervals he peaks to see if the ref has pulled a yellow, or even better a red card against his opponent who in point of fact did nothing more malicious than out play the stricken euro weenie.
The kabuki continues as the player is carried off the field on the stretcher attendants trying to drop warm or cold compresses, the kind you’d see in 50’s hospital drama, on top of him as the all lope off the field. Water may even be poured over the boo boo.
And then as soon the entire retinue crosses the magic chalk out of bounds line our fallen hero jumps up and runs perfectly back into the action. Nary a sign he was recently at death’s door.
We have a name for all that in this country and it’s called BS.
International soccer is a bunch of BS. The refs are arbitrary and capricious with the calling of fouls and cards. Taking a dive is not only rewarded it is required to win. And worst of all the entire world loves it, can’t get enough of it.
Americans don’t like soccer not because of the game but because of how it is played internationally. And I could fix most of it with two rules. If every time you fell to the pitch for more than 5 seconds you had to leave the game for 10 minutes how many fake injuries would there be? How about if it was a yellow card for taking a dive?
Before the fakery and crying was simply annoying but now the world has found a way to make soccer even more boring to watch.
In this tournament the world teams decided that even less scoring would be more fun by only playing one forward! (Think playing an entire real football game without a QB on offense) Hey boys how about we dispense with any forwards and the regular game entirely and just settle everything in a 10 minute shoot out. That would save 3 hours of my life watching you make total asses out of yourselves. That’s what you’re playing for 90 minutes to do anyway right? It would be like deciding an NBA game on sudden death free throws, or baseball with a homerun contest or real football with sudden death extra point attempts. That all sounds pretty lame right? That’s because it is.
I often wonder at why certain things seem so obvious to me and not to a European or Latin American colleague. I believe part of the answer is how we view soccer. Were they see competition, virtue and excellence I see corruption, whimpering and perfidy.
It is in the same in how we view life, love and foreign policy.
The world thinks American players and people are crass did they see what France’s best and brightest talent did yesterday? At the end of his career? In the biggest game of his life?
He does this? I’d say I was at a loss to explain but the French have been doing that to us since the end of our revolution.
No my friend, we are not crazy, the world is and soccer proves it.
The only good thing about the world cup was seeing Mr Chirac and his wife slink away in the aftermath of their team’s performance. Ainsi Français, non?
Update:As to Zizou I'm not sure what to say, I know what I'm thinking. That's pretty much france distilled into a moment. The stupidity, self destructiveness and condescension of a people manifest in the actions of one foolish man. All of his amazing contributions negated in a moment of utter selfishness.
Or should I say should have been negated. Zizou was
voted best player of the tourney today.... It buggers reason.